Infertility

I am not sharing this to get sympathy. I am sharing this for those of you who can relate or maybe you just like to "Keep up with Krista." :)

I've learned many things over the course of 14 months TTC. I've learned that many women are private about their individual situations. They keep things to themselves...all bottled in. They don't like to talk openly about their infertility. I have to admit, it is very hard for me to be "brave" and put my very raw emotions out there for the whole World Wide Web to view. However, over these grueling 14 months I've learned that I am not alone. It is very much an issue for many people that I know personally. I know this because the last time I posted a very emotional story I got many private messages from women who shared their story. I just want to say, "I am being brave for each and every one of you." To let you know that YOU are not alone. Furthermore, if you would like to start a support group I would be happy to get it going...just let me know! ;)

It is not easy watching every one around you get pregnant when you desire so much in your heart to have what they have. It is not easy to hear things like, "It will happen... in God's timing." It is not easy to take countless fertility drugs, go through blood test after blood test, take your BBT every single morning (at the same time), go to dr appointments, etc. None of this is easy for us! Infertility is a pain that is indescribable. Unless you've walked the path, you can not even begin to understand the depths of pain that you feel. The only thing that has helped me deal with my emotions and coping with infertility is my prayer life and having such a loving and supportive family and friends system.

As I began this journey, I had in my mind MY time frame. I knew exactly how many years I wanted between children. I knew what we could afford as far as daycare expenses were concerned. I "knew" that Halle would go to Pre-K in the fall which would make daycare cheaper and we would be able to afford to put an infant in a very costly daycare provider. I had it ALL figured out. I would be able to time it "just right" so that it didn't interfere with school. Yeah...I had it ALL figured out!! ;)

HOWEVER, God knew better...as he always does. He knew that Halle would not be going into Pre-K in the fall. He knew exactly what we were going to be able to afford and He knows exactly when the best time will be for us. Yes, "God's timing"... There I said it...but maybe it will be easier to swallow coming from a "non-fertile" woman! HAHA! God has showed me time and time again, "Hey, I've Got This. This is NOTHING!" I have grown in my faith so much. Now, if you ask my husband he will tell you, "She talks out of both sides of her mouth." He says this because I do get emotional from time to time...and when it comes down to it men just don't like to see women cry...especially when they can't fix it. So, my response is, "Yes, I am human...I am a woman and I am entitled to shed a tear once a month." Get over it!! I still trust God...my faith is not any smaller because I get disappointed with each negative test I take. I completely trust God and I know He will bless us with the perfect baby. Instead of praying and asking God to give us a baby, I thank God for the baby that He already knows He is going to give us and pray blessings over "it's" life. That may sound weird to most but the Bible says..."I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to nations." Jer. 1:5 The funny thing is my mom just told me last night that she has started praying the same exact way. Tell me this child will not be blessed! One of my infertilty sisters pointed out to me that not one time in His Word did someone pray for a child and He did not grant their request. That was so refreshing to me!!

Because of my infertility, I am a better mother and wife. I am a better christian. I am a better friend. I am a better listener. I am more sensitive to other people's needs. I have a better relationship with Christ. I didn't choose 14 months of TTC. But, I do choose to be a better person. I choose happiness. I choose to love life. I choose to see the good in every situation. I choose to see God in everything. For without him WE would not be!

I am human and I get sad...but I am a Christian and I fully trust that God has my situationa in the palm of His hands. I know that the minute I get a positive test, it will be because God chose to bless us in that exact moment. Right now, I am just thanking Him for what He is up to because I know it will ALL be worth it in the end!!

Don't be sad for me! Just pray and believe with me!

Isaiah 55:8-9 "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Thank you for the mountain...

I've been sitting on this since Wednesday night trying to decide if it was worthy to "blog" about. I'm guessing the fact that I am still up at 1 a.m. still pondering this weeks events is probably a good indication I should stop fighting it and go for it!

Wednesday (Youth night) evening Jake called around 3:30 to let me know that he had to work late and would not be making it to church. We youth pastor at The Missing Peace church and he always delivers the message to our youth. So, I'm thinking to myself after we hung up..."Do I still go? I could easily skip and it would be o.k. I have so much to do on this house...I should stay home." But, something deep down told me I needed to be there. I got Halle ready and off we went...

I love to watch the sky and imagine what heaven must be like with my loved ones there waiting on me. I especially love those big fluffy clouds (cumulous, I think?) I periodically point the clouds out to Jake and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a weirdo. But, whatever!

So, Wednesday night I was driving to church watching these beautiful clouds in front of me. As I was watching them I began thanking God for all of the wonderful blessings he has blessed us with. We have a beautiful daughter, a gorgeous home, and 2 wonderful jobs. We have the opportunity to minister to teenagers again and wonderful people who support us 100%. We have great families...I could go on and on...really! So, as I was watching these beautiful clouds, I began thinking about this mountain that we have also been faced with. The big HUGE mountain! I started praying about it saying, "God, I trust in You. This is not too big for you..." and so on. And about that time I looked in my rearview mirror to see this very nasty, dark sky behind me. It was this building storm BEHIND me! I started crying like a baby. He showed me once again...that He has this. Only beautiful things ahead...no more dark and dreary!

I had to pull myself together so people at church wouldn't think that something was terribly wrong. We had a speaker who did a wonderful job that night. I felt the holy spirit telling me..."Get up and tell them what I showed you." I kept fighting it and arguing...I talk to 7 & 8 year olds not teenagers. I don't talk in front of people...I've never talked in front of adults. This is Jake's job...I can't do this, God! What if I get nervous and say something wrong? So, I talked myself out of it. I decided that I would do it only if there was an "opportunity." So, our speaker finished about 30 minutes early. So, Yeah, I got up and ministered to our youth. I don't know if it touched a single heart but mine. But, I know that I was obedient and it felt good.

I thought about all of the events leading up to this. Jake worked overtime...if he hadn't would I have stepped out in faith and done this? Absolutely not. I really wanted to just stay home...Why didn't I? Because God had other plans.

So, tonight (er, this a.m.) I just want to thank God for the mountain. If it wasn't for it...I'm not sure where I would be today. It is because of the mountain that I've grown so much in my faith. My God is bigger than any mountain you could be facing today.

You...just...have...to...trust!