"Only Child Synodrome"

I read a saying just recently that I will paraphrase because I can't remember exactly word for word what it said. It went a long the lines of...if your child is wanting you to give them attention...Play Candy Land, make Necklaces, Play Barbies, stop what you are doing and give them 5 minutes. And they will give you an hour and 5 minutes in return, for you to do what you want.

This little saying kind of hit home to me. I don't know how many times Halle has asked me to play with her and my response 90% of the time is..."Hang on a second!" or "As soon as I finish _________." I always feel guilty because unlike all of her cousins she doesn't have anybody to play with or anybody to entertain her...except for me and Jake. She is not a child who entertains herself. It is hard for me to understand this because I was a child who liked being by myself. Sure, I loved playing with my brothers but I also really liked playing in my room by myself with Barbies and Baby Dolls. Not my Bug! She NEVER leaves my side. If I am in the kitchen, she is underfoot ready to help! Don't get me wrong, I love my little sidekick but things are quickly about to change for her. I guess in a way I am glad she isn't going to have the "Only Child Syndrome" much longer. She is used to getting her way. She is used to having ALL of the attention ALL of the time. She is demanding in EVERY way! I know I am making my child seem like a monster...really she is not. I believe she is just like every other Only Child.

So, I've tried this little theory out while at home with her for the past week. It actually holds some truth. I don't know if I got an entire hour and 5 minutes but I know she was satisfied for quite awhile. I am making it my mission to drop whatever I am doing and give her some of the attention she is so desperately wanting...afterall, her world will be changing in about 5 months...for the better, of course!! I just hope she sees it that way. ;)

Woody Wilson is on the way!!!

At my 12 week ultrasound, the technician was scanning over all the parts and I was asking LOTS of questions. I decided to do the genetic testing and I kind of knew some of the questions to ask. My best friend had a child with anencephaly and my nephew has downs. A lot of people disagree with these series of tests. I guess I understand if your whole intent was to terminate the pregnancy but I just simply wanted to know. It didn't matter what the results said, I would carry the baby to term! My results came in today and everything was NEGATIVE...PraisetheLORD!!

So, at my 12 week scan I was pretty sure I saw something...as in a little boy part! So, I asked..."What exactly are we looking at?" She had two images on the screen. One arms and one legs. And there was definitely something between the legs! She said, "Don't go paint the nursery but I am pretty sure your husband is going to be happy!" I didn't want to tell anybody because I really wanted to do the big reveal. Jake thinks the reveal thing is stupid...but I thought it was fun!

I wasn't very good and the "secret" thing. People ask WAY too many questions! "What do you think you are having?" I'd immediately say "Boy"...Once I got it confirmed people would ask, "What does Jake think?" As if I am going to fall for that one! hehe...sure everyone knew that Daddy would love to have a boy! So, I tried to play it off. Not sure if anybody fell for it. It seemed like most everyone guessed boy. I had a few girl voters.

I was pretty sure that we were going to have another girl when I first found out we were expecting. Without going into details...Medically speaking...everything pointed to girl. I am still in awe of our wonderful God and His miraculous ways!! This past spring,I blogged about a particular day when we were told that God had showed a friend of ours a little boy playing in our living room. At the time, I didn't care at all if the whole boy thing was correct...I just wanted a baby so bad and I remember feeling so overwhelmed with peace. Now, looking back I shouldn't be shocked at all that we are expecting a boy. Afterall, our entire testimony is pretty unbelievable!!

So, for now we will refer to our little bundle of joy as Woody. Chosen by big sister, Halle! I believe Woody Wilson has a great ring to it!! :)

Ignorance is Bliss

It is time to make sure that all five toilets are clean!! The morning sickness arrived this week. While the feeling of nauseousness is no fun, I am embracing it! As soon as my eyes open in the morning I am reminded of this miracle that God gave us! I am still in absolute amazement of just how much Jesus loves me! How perfect His timing is!!

I've spent the last two weeks doing blood draw after blood draw, taking shot after shot and swallowing a ton of pills! Again, I will never complain without also adding, "Thank you, Jesus." This time around I have such a great appreciation of it all. I know it sounds strange that I am thanking Jesus for my morning sickness, and I am praising him for the needle sticks. But, the Bible does say, Count it ALL joy! And I have so much joy in my life I can hardly contain myself!

Today, a really close friend received some terrible news. She had texted her sister-in-law because she was going to find out what the gender of her baby was. My friend told me today at lunch that she hadn't heard back from her yet. I mentioned that the 20 week ultrasound always makes me a little nervous because that is usually when they find things that could be genetically wrong and so on. During lunch she got a message back that said they had lost the baby and were sending her to delivery. My heart just ached & I felt so sick to my stomach.

Fear washed over me. I think it is a completely natural feeling to have when you are 6 weeks pregnant and hear news like that. It is crazy how when I was pregnant with Halle just 5 years ago, I never worried about a thing. It never occurred to me that something could go wrong. But, I have watched close friends & family deal with such tragedy over the last couple of years. My friend, Courtney said, "You are much wiser now." I guess it is true what they say, "Ignorance is bliss!" & Google Search is the enemy!! Just sayin'

I choose not to live in fear! I believe with my whole heart that God has chosen this child for wonderful things. I've prayed for this baby for 16+ months! "It" will be blessed! Life is good!! God is greater!! ;)

**Please be in prayer for this family that is dealing with a terrible loss. My heart aches for them all!

Finally!!!

I'm thinking it is time for a new blog. My last blog was on July 28 and the title was "Infertility." So much has happened in the past two months. We decided in July that we were going to take the next step in finding out why we were having so much trouble getting pregnant. I had been to the doctor and he couldn't find anything wrong with me. So, our next step was having Jake checked out. He did NOT want to take this step. As a matter of fact, it took me 5 months to even convince him we needed to do this if we were ever going to get answers. Finally, he swallowed his pride and we made the necessary appointment in August. I took the day off and we spent the entire day at doctor offices. He was such a good sport. We laughed about how one day we could tell our child about what we had to go through to get him/her. About a week later, we got all of the results back and everything was normal. This took me by surprise. Jake, not so much! LOL! "See, I told you so!"

Hmmmm...so now what?! I felt like I was back at square one. While it was great news, it still didn't answer my question why we were not successful. I needed a medical reason.

So, I was talking to one of my best friends about it all. I told her I guess it was time to just go ahead and call the infertility doctor. I was starting to feel desperate. When she asked me what the doctors name was she said, "He is with my OB doctor." So, she gave me the number and I made my appointment for September 20. I finally felt like I was going to get the help that I needed. Before my appointment I found out that I made my appointment with the wrong doctor. This was the brother of the infertility specialist. I went ahead and kept the appointment because his website said that he had a team of infertility specialists that he worked with. He is an OB/GYN and I figured that may help with the cost since my insurance will NOT pay for fertility treatments.

I took my mom and Amber to the appointment with me. I knew that he would have lots of information and I needed them there to hear everything with me. Boy, was I right! I was overwhelmed with information. When I left the office, I was on cloud nine! He was so confident that he was going to help us! They offered VERY affordable treatments and they told me that they can code things to where most insurance companies will pay. The only thing out of pocket I had to pay was $440 for inseminations. With this doctor's brother it was going to be at least $2300. I was so thankful that God had opened up the door to find the "wrong" doctor. I really felt He had led me there to get the answers that I needed. I left the office with a plan. I felt great! I had so much hope again! They did a blood test while I was there to check to see if I had ovulated this month. The nurse called me back the next day and said that my numbers were really really good and it looked like I did ovulate this month. She said, "So, either call us back with a positive test or if you start!" I was happy to hear that I ovulated on my own...but I knew that I always did every month so I didn't get too excited or even remotely think it was possible that I would be calling them back with any other news than..."I started!" I was o.k. with that though...because I knew that I was going to start the process of finding out what was going on. I sent text messages to my close friends and said, "I've never been so excited to start!" ;)My friends joke all of the time about how they know my cycle better than their own. I love my friends and I LOVE that they have been with me on this journey! Such blessings to me!

Just five days later I was talking to Amber about how excited I was. I told Amber how I really had hoped so much for a positive test this month. I wanted God to get ALL of the glory for this miracle that I prayed so long for. I really had hang-ups on infertility medication and inseminations. I know all babies are blessings and miracles no matter how you get them. But, I really just wanted it all to happen naturally and miraculously. Later that day when I got home I decided to go ahead and test. I probably haven't tested in at least 4 or 5 months because I always knew what the result would be. I just did this time because I wanted to prove to myself that it was negative and so that I could quit giving myself false hope.

When I looked at the test it looked like the rest of them...one line! BLAH! Oh well, at least I know, right? I came back in to throw it away. I looked again and their was a faint second line. I screamed, "Halle give me my phone!" She said, "What's wrong Mom?" I called Courtney and said, "Um...I think I have a positive test." I took a picture and sent it to her. She called me back and said, "That is definitely positive." I couldn't believe it. I couldn't wait to tell Jake! He was supposed to be going hunting. When he walked in the door I asked him if he had to go hunting. He said, "No I guess not, why?" I held up the test and he said, "What does that mean?" Oh, brother!!

Since then, I've been to the doctor to confirm with blood test. They have given me a progesterone shot and I have orders for more bloodwork on Monday. They are treating me as an infertiltiy patient which is actually awesome! They are just being very extra cautious with everything. I have no doubt that this is exactly where I am supposed to be! God truly had his hand on this from day one--sixteen months ago.

I'm still in awe of Him! I have this overwhelming feeling of just how much He loves me! I feel so blessed! He made this happen and I will forever be thankful for the path he laid out before me!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, "Thank You for the mountain!"

Infertility

I am not sharing this to get sympathy. I am sharing this for those of you who can relate or maybe you just like to "Keep up with Krista." :)

I've learned many things over the course of 14 months TTC. I've learned that many women are private about their individual situations. They keep things to themselves...all bottled in. They don't like to talk openly about their infertility. I have to admit, it is very hard for me to be "brave" and put my very raw emotions out there for the whole World Wide Web to view. However, over these grueling 14 months I've learned that I am not alone. It is very much an issue for many people that I know personally. I know this because the last time I posted a very emotional story I got many private messages from women who shared their story. I just want to say, "I am being brave for each and every one of you." To let you know that YOU are not alone. Furthermore, if you would like to start a support group I would be happy to get it going...just let me know! ;)

It is not easy watching every one around you get pregnant when you desire so much in your heart to have what they have. It is not easy to hear things like, "It will happen... in God's timing." It is not easy to take countless fertility drugs, go through blood test after blood test, take your BBT every single morning (at the same time), go to dr appointments, etc. None of this is easy for us! Infertility is a pain that is indescribable. Unless you've walked the path, you can not even begin to understand the depths of pain that you feel. The only thing that has helped me deal with my emotions and coping with infertility is my prayer life and having such a loving and supportive family and friends system.

As I began this journey, I had in my mind MY time frame. I knew exactly how many years I wanted between children. I knew what we could afford as far as daycare expenses were concerned. I "knew" that Halle would go to Pre-K in the fall which would make daycare cheaper and we would be able to afford to put an infant in a very costly daycare provider. I had it ALL figured out. I would be able to time it "just right" so that it didn't interfere with school. Yeah...I had it ALL figured out!! ;)

HOWEVER, God knew better...as he always does. He knew that Halle would not be going into Pre-K in the fall. He knew exactly what we were going to be able to afford and He knows exactly when the best time will be for us. Yes, "God's timing"... There I said it...but maybe it will be easier to swallow coming from a "non-fertile" woman! HAHA! God has showed me time and time again, "Hey, I've Got This. This is NOTHING!" I have grown in my faith so much. Now, if you ask my husband he will tell you, "She talks out of both sides of her mouth." He says this because I do get emotional from time to time...and when it comes down to it men just don't like to see women cry...especially when they can't fix it. So, my response is, "Yes, I am human...I am a woman and I am entitled to shed a tear once a month." Get over it!! I still trust God...my faith is not any smaller because I get disappointed with each negative test I take. I completely trust God and I know He will bless us with the perfect baby. Instead of praying and asking God to give us a baby, I thank God for the baby that He already knows He is going to give us and pray blessings over "it's" life. That may sound weird to most but the Bible says..."I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to nations." Jer. 1:5 The funny thing is my mom just told me last night that she has started praying the same exact way. Tell me this child will not be blessed! One of my infertilty sisters pointed out to me that not one time in His Word did someone pray for a child and He did not grant their request. That was so refreshing to me!!

Because of my infertility, I am a better mother and wife. I am a better christian. I am a better friend. I am a better listener. I am more sensitive to other people's needs. I have a better relationship with Christ. I didn't choose 14 months of TTC. But, I do choose to be a better person. I choose happiness. I choose to love life. I choose to see the good in every situation. I choose to see God in everything. For without him WE would not be!

I am human and I get sad...but I am a Christian and I fully trust that God has my situationa in the palm of His hands. I know that the minute I get a positive test, it will be because God chose to bless us in that exact moment. Right now, I am just thanking Him for what He is up to because I know it will ALL be worth it in the end!!

Don't be sad for me! Just pray and believe with me!

Isaiah 55:8-9 "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Thank you for the mountain...

I've been sitting on this since Wednesday night trying to decide if it was worthy to "blog" about. I'm guessing the fact that I am still up at 1 a.m. still pondering this weeks events is probably a good indication I should stop fighting it and go for it!

Wednesday (Youth night) evening Jake called around 3:30 to let me know that he had to work late and would not be making it to church. We youth pastor at The Missing Peace church and he always delivers the message to our youth. So, I'm thinking to myself after we hung up..."Do I still go? I could easily skip and it would be o.k. I have so much to do on this house...I should stay home." But, something deep down told me I needed to be there. I got Halle ready and off we went...

I love to watch the sky and imagine what heaven must be like with my loved ones there waiting on me. I especially love those big fluffy clouds (cumulous, I think?) I periodically point the clouds out to Jake and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a weirdo. But, whatever!

So, Wednesday night I was driving to church watching these beautiful clouds in front of me. As I was watching them I began thanking God for all of the wonderful blessings he has blessed us with. We have a beautiful daughter, a gorgeous home, and 2 wonderful jobs. We have the opportunity to minister to teenagers again and wonderful people who support us 100%. We have great families...I could go on and on...really! So, as I was watching these beautiful clouds, I began thinking about this mountain that we have also been faced with. The big HUGE mountain! I started praying about it saying, "God, I trust in You. This is not too big for you..." and so on. And about that time I looked in my rearview mirror to see this very nasty, dark sky behind me. It was this building storm BEHIND me! I started crying like a baby. He showed me once again...that He has this. Only beautiful things ahead...no more dark and dreary!

I had to pull myself together so people at church wouldn't think that something was terribly wrong. We had a speaker who did a wonderful job that night. I felt the holy spirit telling me..."Get up and tell them what I showed you." I kept fighting it and arguing...I talk to 7 & 8 year olds not teenagers. I don't talk in front of people...I've never talked in front of adults. This is Jake's job...I can't do this, God! What if I get nervous and say something wrong? So, I talked myself out of it. I decided that I would do it only if there was an "opportunity." So, our speaker finished about 30 minutes early. So, Yeah, I got up and ministered to our youth. I don't know if it touched a single heart but mine. But, I know that I was obedient and it felt good.

I thought about all of the events leading up to this. Jake worked overtime...if he hadn't would I have stepped out in faith and done this? Absolutely not. I really wanted to just stay home...Why didn't I? Because God had other plans.

So, tonight (er, this a.m.) I just want to thank God for the mountain. If it wasn't for it...I'm not sure where I would be today. It is because of the mountain that I've grown so much in my faith. My God is bigger than any mountain you could be facing today.

You...just...have...to...trust!

"Pinterest Makes My Life Better"

A year or so ago, I got a text message from my sister-in-law, Sarah, telling me that, "You have to get the Pinterest app. You will be addicted." So, I downloaded the app and couldn't figure the darn thing out. It didn't make much sense to me when she was explaining it. "It's a bunch of pictures of things and you can create boards and pin them." I'm thinking..."Why do I want a bunch of pictures of random things?" But, o.k. Sarah!" I found out that you have to be invited and blah, blah, blah. Sounded like too much work to me so I just dismissed it.

A few weeks later she asked me if I ever figured it out. I told her I just didn't understand it. But, she convinced me that I needed to try to figure it out. So, I checked my email and got "accepted" and started figuring it out.

She was right...I was addicted from the "get-go." I loved looking at the humor board. It's still one of my favorites! I LOVE E-CARDS!! They make life so much better!

You can always tell when I'm on a diet because I start pinning in my "Yummy Food" board along with my "Fitness" board. You might see pins for cookies and homemade cheese sticks...and then just to make myself feel better I will pin the 100 Ways to to make your tummy flat! Yeah right!

I love the Education pins! I've used SO many cute things from there in my classroom! I just don't understand why we (teachers) feel the need to pin so many "School Things" over the summer!! I'm guilty, too!! However, I've learned you have to Pin fast because it may go away if you don't act quick!

From the start, I would show pictures to Jake. I would say, "Let's do this to our bathroom." or "I want to go here." It wasn't until I made something from my 'Yummy Food' board that he realized that Pinterest is ALL that it is cracked up to be! I've made several recipes from Pinterest that he loves and when it comes to food...that guy is very hard to impress!!

Last weekend, for our camping trip, I made the "Best Pasta Salad EVER" to take with us. He loved it! The Flourless Cookies (That's got to be healthy, right?) were also a pretty big hit. One night this week I made baked chicken/potatoes/greenbeans. I kind of figured it was not going to be a favorite. But, Pinterest did it again. As he was eating he said, "Pinterest makes my life better." I had to laugh!!

You will never find my husband on Pinterest but he sure is glad that Sarah convinced me to figure it out. Thanks, Sarah!!

Here are two of my recent "CrAfTy" Pinterest projects!