Infertility

I am not sharing this to get sympathy. I am sharing this for those of you who can relate or maybe you just like to "Keep up with Krista." :)

I've learned many things over the course of 14 months TTC. I've learned that many women are private about their individual situations. They keep things to themselves...all bottled in. They don't like to talk openly about their infertility. I have to admit, it is very hard for me to be "brave" and put my very raw emotions out there for the whole World Wide Web to view. However, over these grueling 14 months I've learned that I am not alone. It is very much an issue for many people that I know personally. I know this because the last time I posted a very emotional story I got many private messages from women who shared their story. I just want to say, "I am being brave for each and every one of you." To let you know that YOU are not alone. Furthermore, if you would like to start a support group I would be happy to get it going...just let me know! ;)

It is not easy watching every one around you get pregnant when you desire so much in your heart to have what they have. It is not easy to hear things like, "It will happen... in God's timing." It is not easy to take countless fertility drugs, go through blood test after blood test, take your BBT every single morning (at the same time), go to dr appointments, etc. None of this is easy for us! Infertility is a pain that is indescribable. Unless you've walked the path, you can not even begin to understand the depths of pain that you feel. The only thing that has helped me deal with my emotions and coping with infertility is my prayer life and having such a loving and supportive family and friends system.

As I began this journey, I had in my mind MY time frame. I knew exactly how many years I wanted between children. I knew what we could afford as far as daycare expenses were concerned. I "knew" that Halle would go to Pre-K in the fall which would make daycare cheaper and we would be able to afford to put an infant in a very costly daycare provider. I had it ALL figured out. I would be able to time it "just right" so that it didn't interfere with school. Yeah...I had it ALL figured out!! ;)

HOWEVER, God knew better...as he always does. He knew that Halle would not be going into Pre-K in the fall. He knew exactly what we were going to be able to afford and He knows exactly when the best time will be for us. Yes, "God's timing"... There I said it...but maybe it will be easier to swallow coming from a "non-fertile" woman! HAHA! God has showed me time and time again, "Hey, I've Got This. This is NOTHING!" I have grown in my faith so much. Now, if you ask my husband he will tell you, "She talks out of both sides of her mouth." He says this because I do get emotional from time to time...and when it comes down to it men just don't like to see women cry...especially when they can't fix it. So, my response is, "Yes, I am human...I am a woman and I am entitled to shed a tear once a month." Get over it!! I still trust God...my faith is not any smaller because I get disappointed with each negative test I take. I completely trust God and I know He will bless us with the perfect baby. Instead of praying and asking God to give us a baby, I thank God for the baby that He already knows He is going to give us and pray blessings over "it's" life. That may sound weird to most but the Bible says..."I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to nations." Jer. 1:5 The funny thing is my mom just told me last night that she has started praying the same exact way. Tell me this child will not be blessed! One of my infertilty sisters pointed out to me that not one time in His Word did someone pray for a child and He did not grant their request. That was so refreshing to me!!

Because of my infertility, I am a better mother and wife. I am a better christian. I am a better friend. I am a better listener. I am more sensitive to other people's needs. I have a better relationship with Christ. I didn't choose 14 months of TTC. But, I do choose to be a better person. I choose happiness. I choose to love life. I choose to see the good in every situation. I choose to see God in everything. For without him WE would not be!

I am human and I get sad...but I am a Christian and I fully trust that God has my situationa in the palm of His hands. I know that the minute I get a positive test, it will be because God chose to bless us in that exact moment. Right now, I am just thanking Him for what He is up to because I know it will ALL be worth it in the end!!

Don't be sad for me! Just pray and believe with me!

Isaiah 55:8-9 "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Thank you for the mountain...

I've been sitting on this since Wednesday night trying to decide if it was worthy to "blog" about. I'm guessing the fact that I am still up at 1 a.m. still pondering this weeks events is probably a good indication I should stop fighting it and go for it!

Wednesday (Youth night) evening Jake called around 3:30 to let me know that he had to work late and would not be making it to church. We youth pastor at The Missing Peace church and he always delivers the message to our youth. So, I'm thinking to myself after we hung up..."Do I still go? I could easily skip and it would be o.k. I have so much to do on this house...I should stay home." But, something deep down told me I needed to be there. I got Halle ready and off we went...

I love to watch the sky and imagine what heaven must be like with my loved ones there waiting on me. I especially love those big fluffy clouds (cumulous, I think?) I periodically point the clouds out to Jake and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a weirdo. But, whatever!

So, Wednesday night I was driving to church watching these beautiful clouds in front of me. As I was watching them I began thanking God for all of the wonderful blessings he has blessed us with. We have a beautiful daughter, a gorgeous home, and 2 wonderful jobs. We have the opportunity to minister to teenagers again and wonderful people who support us 100%. We have great families...I could go on and on...really! So, as I was watching these beautiful clouds, I began thinking about this mountain that we have also been faced with. The big HUGE mountain! I started praying about it saying, "God, I trust in You. This is not too big for you..." and so on. And about that time I looked in my rearview mirror to see this very nasty, dark sky behind me. It was this building storm BEHIND me! I started crying like a baby. He showed me once again...that He has this. Only beautiful things ahead...no more dark and dreary!

I had to pull myself together so people at church wouldn't think that something was terribly wrong. We had a speaker who did a wonderful job that night. I felt the holy spirit telling me..."Get up and tell them what I showed you." I kept fighting it and arguing...I talk to 7 & 8 year olds not teenagers. I don't talk in front of people...I've never talked in front of adults. This is Jake's job...I can't do this, God! What if I get nervous and say something wrong? So, I talked myself out of it. I decided that I would do it only if there was an "opportunity." So, our speaker finished about 30 minutes early. So, Yeah, I got up and ministered to our youth. I don't know if it touched a single heart but mine. But, I know that I was obedient and it felt good.

I thought about all of the events leading up to this. Jake worked overtime...if he hadn't would I have stepped out in faith and done this? Absolutely not. I really wanted to just stay home...Why didn't I? Because God had other plans.

So, tonight (er, this a.m.) I just want to thank God for the mountain. If it wasn't for it...I'm not sure where I would be today. It is because of the mountain that I've grown so much in my faith. My God is bigger than any mountain you could be facing today.

You...just...have...to...trust!

"Pinterest Makes My Life Better"

A year or so ago, I got a text message from my sister-in-law, Sarah, telling me that, "You have to get the Pinterest app. You will be addicted." So, I downloaded the app and couldn't figure the darn thing out. It didn't make much sense to me when she was explaining it. "It's a bunch of pictures of things and you can create boards and pin them." I'm thinking..."Why do I want a bunch of pictures of random things?" But, o.k. Sarah!" I found out that you have to be invited and blah, blah, blah. Sounded like too much work to me so I just dismissed it.

A few weeks later she asked me if I ever figured it out. I told her I just didn't understand it. But, she convinced me that I needed to try to figure it out. So, I checked my email and got "accepted" and started figuring it out.

She was right...I was addicted from the "get-go." I loved looking at the humor board. It's still one of my favorites! I LOVE E-CARDS!! They make life so much better!

You can always tell when I'm on a diet because I start pinning in my "Yummy Food" board along with my "Fitness" board. You might see pins for cookies and homemade cheese sticks...and then just to make myself feel better I will pin the 100 Ways to to make your tummy flat! Yeah right!

I love the Education pins! I've used SO many cute things from there in my classroom! I just don't understand why we (teachers) feel the need to pin so many "School Things" over the summer!! I'm guilty, too!! However, I've learned you have to Pin fast because it may go away if you don't act quick!

From the start, I would show pictures to Jake. I would say, "Let's do this to our bathroom." or "I want to go here." It wasn't until I made something from my 'Yummy Food' board that he realized that Pinterest is ALL that it is cracked up to be! I've made several recipes from Pinterest that he loves and when it comes to food...that guy is very hard to impress!!

Last weekend, for our camping trip, I made the "Best Pasta Salad EVER" to take with us. He loved it! The Flourless Cookies (That's got to be healthy, right?) were also a pretty big hit. One night this week I made baked chicken/potatoes/greenbeans. I kind of figured it was not going to be a favorite. But, Pinterest did it again. As he was eating he said, "Pinterest makes my life better." I had to laugh!!

You will never find my husband on Pinterest but he sure is glad that Sarah convinced me to figure it out. Thanks, Sarah!!

Here are two of my recent "CrAfTy" Pinterest projects!

Blabber Mouth

I saw this on Pinterest and I thought it was hilarious! This is true with little ones. They don't have filters. They tell everything they know. This has happened so many times in my 10 years in education. Parents would die if they knew all that was told to us!

I've learned this from personal experience. Now that I have a child I realize that now it is going to be me that is "talked" about at daycare and school.

This summer has been quite different than all of the past 4 summers. Halle is very independant now and I can get so much done around the house. Last summer, I couldn't even leave the room without her yelling, "Mommy, where are you?" It drove me nuts. I blamed it on our house being so big but I think she just had seperation issues. So, this year I can tell she's really starting to grow up. However, with the growing up comes the "Telling Everything You Know to Daddy."

We used to be able to go eat lunch or go shopping and Daddy would never find out. It's not that I ever had anyting to hide...he can look up on our bank account info at any time and see where we go and what we do. He never freaks out about spending money. But, there are some things that you don't just offer up the minute he walks in from work.

UNTIL NOW...

As soon as Daddy walks in the door the first question he asks, "What did you guys do today?" Halle responds, "We went to eat at Ho Wah and then Mommy bought me a new pair of shoes." I cringe...Of course Daddy thinks Halle has too many shoes already. And why didn't we eat lunch at home where it is FREE? HaHa!! Or "We ate at El Tapatio with Grandma and Nina today." UGH!! Or better yet, I don't think he heard this one because he was in the shower...and I changed the subject with her very quickly. "Mom got this new little purse in the mail today. It's kind of like this..." AHEM! "Hey, Halle WE DON'T HAVE TO TELL EVERYTHING WE KNOW!!!" Seriously!!

I had this conversation with Jake the other day. He thinks it is hilarious, of course!! Me...not so much!!!

Every Girl's Dream

Ok...so maybe it isn't every girl's dream to visit the American Girl Store. But, I know if I had the opportunity as a little girl to experience that, I would have absolutely been in heaven. Today was so much fun! Maybe I'm living my "little girl" childhood through Halle but I was in awe of every little detail!

My husband thinks it is absolutely nuts to spend that kind of money on a doll! But, I'm telling you if he had seen the look on Halle's face when she walked in and saw everything...we would have walked out with the $225 Loft Bed...and possibly the tent! Ha Ha! We refrained from over splurging...but I could totally see how one could get carried away.

My cousin, Amy and her daughter, Jozlyn went with us. Jozzy got a bitty baby for Christmas and one of their dogs got a hold of it's little hand. They had to admit the baby into the hospital (no joke) to get it fixed up! They dressed her in a hospital gown and all! It was so cute. Amy even said that if a child is extremely attached they will send a doctor out to explain to the child what they will do to ease their fear! HAHA! I love it! Sure, it may be a little over the top but how cute is it for little girls?

I was so happy that my mom and my neice, Alyssa came with us on our first trip to AG! Alyssa has never been into playing dolls. I'll never forget the Christmas when Mom, Sarah and I all went together and bought her and Emma the "knock-off" AG dolls and accessories from Target! We were all so excited to see them open the horse and the little scooter. As they ripped off the paper, we asked Alyssa if she liked it and her response was a very loud, "Noooooo!" I'll never forget that! I'm pretty sure we have that on video somewhere! This past Christmas I liked to fell over when Alyssa asked for a Tangled Barbie doll. Then, the other day when she heard us talking about going she said, "I want to go, Nana." I asked her when she became a girl...she laughed!

So, Amber had two AG dolls in her basement that her grandma gave her. She never played with them. They were more for looks than playing with. I told her she needed to get them out and let Alyssa play with them and see if it will be worth it for her. Since then, these two little dolls have went everywhere with her. She even buckles them into the backseat! HAHA!! I never thought I'd see the day that one of Amber's girls would actually like dolls!

It was such a nice day with the girls!! I can't wait until we can do it again!

Best of Both Worlds

I have the best of both worlds! I get to do what I love to do...and know that I am called to do it...TEACHING! I also get to spend 3 1/2 months out of the year doing something else I love...being a stay at home mom. I love both of my worlds and I wouldn't change it for anything!!

I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity to do both of my jobs. I feel that I do them both very well. Is it stressful to work outside of the home and maintain a happy & healthy family? Absolutely! Sometimes it is overwhelming. But, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. The positive impact that I can make in a child's life far outweighs any stress that could come my way throughout the school year.

I admire both sides of the fence. The "stay at home" Moms have a tough job! Being the constant caregiver is difficult. There are never any breaks...especially if there are several children involved. The "working" mom also has a difficult job. They have to go out of their home to help make a living for their family. Time with children is limited to evenings. It isn't ideal but they do what they have to for their family!

I've said all of that to say this, "I am happy that I get to jump the fence!"

It creates a very good balance for me!!

God's Promises

I will not be sharing this with the Facebook world. However, I don't want to miss the opportunity to blog what just happened to us recently. If you happen to stumble upon this--then it was absolutely meant for you to see. Maybe your faith has been tested recently.

Just as mine has.

My husband and I have been TTC for 1 year. We finally hit our 1 year mark this month. It has been a complete life changer for me. Around the 6 month mark I found myself really becoming angry. I kept questioning God. Why are you allowing all of these people around me get pregnant? Everyone except me? Girls who are unmarried and unable to support babies on their own? Girls who kill babies...girls who don't love their babies as I know can?

Why? Why? Why, God?

I know I've went through different stages throughout the year. I started the year really feeling positive. "Awh...well, maybe next month?" or "It will happen on my birthday. Yeah, God wants to give me a birthday present I will never forget." or "Maybe Christmas morning?" "I know Mother's Day!" This went on for months. Each day being as positive as the last. Until finally I just fell before the Lord and just laid it all out. I had a complete meltdown in January. That is when God began working His beautiful work in me.

I now have complete peace about His plan. When I say complete peace...that is exactly what I mean. Nobody understands why I just don't push my hubby to go to the doctor...or why I just don't jump at the fertility options. I have grown in my faith so much since January...that I just don't see the need to go any further than the feet of my Savior! He did it ALL already. Why would I seek anyone other than Him. Babies are a gift from God. He is the one that gives each and every one of us everything!

About a month ago, Jake's friend, Josh, from Washington State came to stay with us for 12 days. Josh's dad came over to visit one Sunday afternoon. Jake and I were working in the yard and Halle stayed inside playing with Josh and his wife. They came outside and were getting ready to leave for church and Josh's dad (who is an extremist and has a prayer life like nobody we have EVER met) walked up to Jake and said, "Do you want a baby boy?" Jake said, "Huh?" He said, "Do you want a baby boy?" Jake said, "Well yeah?" He said, "Good because God just showed me, while I was watching Halle play in the living room that He is going to bless you with a baby boy." We were absolutely blown away. This man who doesn't know our situation at all. Who had no idea that my heart has literally ached for a baby for an entire year just told us what God had showed him. I was amazed!

Later the same day this was revealed to us, my sister-in-law told me they were going to have vasectomy reversal so they could have another baby. I know that God is an "on-time" God...but WOW! I believe that He wanted to make sure that I knew He has heard my heart and He is going to bless us at just the right time. It may have been extremely painful to hear that my brother and sister-in-law, who have 3 perfectly healthy children are going to try for 1 more after all I've been through this year.

God is sooooo GOOD!

So, I've been standing on this promise! Praying that God would just have His way. I've completely given this to Him....knowing that none of it is in my hands anyway.

This morning, Jake came in and said, "Listen to this!" It was a voice message from a complete stranger. It said, "You don't know me but a friend of yours gave me your name and number told me to be in prayer for you to conceive a child. I want you to know that I've prayed for you and asked God to show me what to pray for you about. He said to tell you that you will conceive VERY soon. I've not seen your friend since. But, I wanted to let you know that I have prayed and God has heard." We later found out that this man came as a guest speaker during a baby dedication and has prayed for many couples who have trouble conceiving...and many have been success stories of God's miracle hand at work!

Again, WOW! Really? All I can say is the God we serve is absolutely awesome! What was promised to us a month ago has now been confirmed by a complete and total stranger. As I sit here today I am completely overwhelmed with joy because I know what is coming. What God says He will do--- will absolutely happen!

What a joyous day it will be when I can tell all of my family and friends that I am expecting. I have faith that the day will happen SOON! Thank you, Jesus!!